I think it’s more that I have been consistently second-guessing myself, and others’ responses to me and my actions. This is where I’m really feeling the pain of the amplification. And it’s exhausting.

These are the strangest of times – and honestly, the strangest times I hope I ever experience. For future reference, I’m writing this during the height of the global pandemic Covid-19, a terrifying virus which has upended our lives and our worlds like never before in living memory.

Our senses are constantly assaulted with phrases like ‘unprecedented’, ‘save lives’, ‘if you have breathing difficulties’ and many, many more. We’re pretty-much on global lockdown – for most of us our lives have ground to a halt, for many the uncertainty of job losses, business closures, health concerns and how we will pay rent or feed their families in future is relentlessly overwhelming.

With an increase of time on my hands, I’ve been itching to write again. But something has also been holding me back. I’m not sure if it’s the fear of unblocking the dam – to start writing what I’m feeling or experiencing may make this all a little too real. It may take me down a road of experiencing the emotions I’ve been trying so hard to balance out. It’s definitely going to make me feel more vulnerable. It’s one of those ‘when it’s out there, how do I take it back?’ type things. But I know it’ll help me. I know it’ll make me make more sense of the insanity we’re living and how it’s impacting me. It’ll help me recognise areas where this weird-thing-we-now-call-life is impacting me and I haven’t necessarily realised it. So, it’s time.

This evening I was working through some things emotionally and mentally and I was struck by how putting your life on hold can really amplify emotions and situations. As I write that down, it feels so obvious. Of course when your life is nowhere near like what it was a month ago things are going to blow up in your head. Of course you’re going to overthink things when you are blocked from taking normal actions such as meeting someone for a drink or having that important meeting face to face.

But there’s something deeper to it too. It’s not just about the overall anxiety and mental stress that now sits over all of us like a thin, low-hanging drizzle cloud. Most of us are still trying to live our lives as normally as possible and a lot of that involves forming new relationships or redefining existing ones every single day without us really even noticing. We’re starting new projects with new teammates, or we’re helping a close friend navigate a difficult time in their lives. We’re dating. We’re figuring out how to deal with parents when we are ourselves independent adults.

And now we’re trying to do that without any of the social interaction and social distractions that allow us to do this relationship forming and redefining in a more seamless way. We’re now not able to have a sit-down meeting with our new team to thrash out our project goals. We’re not able to use a weekly dinner with the family to subtly assert and reiterate our independence and our needs as grown-up children. We’re trying to date virtually, without being able to have the initial meeting to determine if there’s chemistry, if the other person is a potential long-term partner, if they’re a short-term partner or anything in between.

So, our responses and our emotions amplify. Well, mine certainly have been. I wouldn’t necessarily class them as blow-ups (although I always have my fair share of those), or even extreme anxiety (again, this is par for the course for me). I think it’s more that I have been consistently second-guessing myself, and others’ responses to me and my actions. This is where I’m really feeling the pain of the amplification. And it’s exhausting.

I recently read a couple of great articles about emotional, physical and spiritual responses to the pandemic: HBR’s ‘That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief‘ and Rolling Stone’s ‘The Reason You’re Exhausted is Moral Fatigue‘. Both rang true to me, and both have been helpful in explaining some of the physical and mental challenges I’ve been having the last few weeks. But I’m hoping this self-recognition of ramp-up of second-guessing, especially as it relates to forming new relationships, is an area I can also continue to keep an eye on and spot before it feels overwhelming. Again.

This likely won’t be my last post on the mental and emotional impact of Covid-19, although I’ll definitely try and intersperse some different and lighter topics too. Remember – if you’re feeling overwhelmed and overly anxious about any of this stuff there are a few simple tricks to help: limit your social media interaction, restrict new consumption to 1 or 2 times a day with set time limits, seek out positive stories and tell yourself what you are grateful for each day. These are the things that have been making the world of difference to me, anyway, although I’m always interested in more suggestions.

Stay safe, and stay home!

CatDog xx